Thursday, October 28, 2010

Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II (Game Complete -- Day Two)

OK, the game's story is crap. I'll run you through the first ten minutes, and let you extrapolate from there.

Darth Vader, Dark Lord of the Sith, voted most likely by his graduating class at the Jedi Academy "to kill us all in a Dark Side, whiny bitch-induced rage," returns to the planet Kamino after stepping out for a second to grab a Big Gulp.

Drink in hand, wishing he remembered a straw, Vader descends into the bowels of a giant clone factory. Vader enters a darkened room. Incarcerated within is Starkiller, presumed dead at the end of the first game.

Vader intends to turn Starkiller, who may or may not be a clone, back to the Dark Side. Never the brightest Dark Lord of the Sith, Vader sets about this task in the dumbest way possible. Using droids that can physically represent people using holograms ( there anything they can't do?), Vader tests Starkiller's combat skills.

Starkiller kills the droids, save one. The one that, moments before, with its holographic do-dad thingys off, walked up to Starkiller and -- right in front of him, mind you -- turned into Juno Eclipse, his lost love. Vader orders Starkiller to kill it/her. Starkiller then gets a case of the cry babies, because obviously Jedi can't get in touch with the Force unless they have a good sulk first. Starkiller is torn, conflicted.

* * * *

This is, of course, stupid. Starkiller saw the droid turn into her! Vader just isn't even trying anymore. He could have at least had the droid, I don't know, walk around the corner, step into a cupboard, or even go behind a conveniently placed dressing screen ("").

I don't know, something. Anything.

From this moment on, the scene should have played like this. The conclusion of the scene would end just as it does in the game:


The DROID walks up to Starkiller. It turns into Juno Eclipse. Vader watches in the background, expectantly.

VADER: Destroy her!

STARKILLER: I can't...


STARKILLER: I can't. I mean, I really can't. That's not her.

VADER: What?

STARKILLER: It's a droid, remember? You know, it walked up to me, turned into Juno...

VADER: Oh...

VADER takes a nervous sip from his Big Gulp. The echo of him clearing his throat fills the enormous room.
VADER: I was, uh, hoping you wouldn't notice that...

STARKILLER: Really? Really?

VADER: Well, I figured, you know, you're a clone...

STARKILLER: Yeah. I'm a clone. Not a retard.

VADER: You can still take a swing at it, if you want. It's kind of the same...

STARKILLER: Dude, I'm outta here.

BOLTS OF LIGHTENING shoot out of Starkiller's fingers, bringing Vader to his knees.

leaps out a giant window, plummeting to the raging waters below.

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